Fish in a Bowl

Sun, 08 Apr 2007 05:46:22 GMT

I wonder if I could hang myself with the red sash-wrap-thing from my prom dress. Don't worry (not that you were anyways), I'm not going to. I'm just morbidly curious, and since no one will talk to me, I don't really have anything to do but think. And the imagery appeals to me. It's bright, almost blood, red.
I fucking hate freshmen, in case anyone was wondering.

Tue, 20 Feb 2007 06:04:08 GMT

I'll take the pain over the emptiness almost any day. But what do I do when the pain becomes just more emptiness?

Tue, 20 Feb 2007 00:41:42 GMT

I can't wait to leave here. Get away from all of you, all of them. I want to be anywhere but here. I wish none of this, and I really mean none of this, had ever happened.

Sat, 03 Feb 2007 05:59:17 GMT

I am so fucking unbelievably angry right now. You know what? Fuck you. All of you.

I'm going to do this.

Thu, 01 Feb 2007 02:02:23 GMT

I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I am going to do this.
But it's probably going to kill me.
Just kidding. As usual.

Wed, 24 Jan 2007 04:58:26 GMT

Well damn. Is that a breaking point I see approaching with all the unforgiving speed of a semi-forgotten deadline? Who knew! Hahahaha. Isn't that just grand?

Tue, 23 Jan 2007 05:28:55 GMT

I'm not wearing any rings.

Sat, 20 Jan 2007 06:52:31 GMT

I'm grateful, in a sick, twisted sort of way. At least this way I won't ever have to make that decision, which is good, since I know what my answer would be. And I know where that goes.

Tue, 26 Dec 2006 16:41:22 GMT

I need to get the fuck out of here while I still have skin on my arms.

I told you so.

Mon, 18 Dec 2006 23:19:21 GMT

I told you so, I told you so, I told you so.
Understand that when I say that, I'm not blaming you. I'm just trying to turn the hurt into bitterness, because it's easier to live with.
I told you so.
And yet, silly me, for a minute there, I almost believed you. I should know better.

Mon, 11 Dec 2006 04:35:27 GMT

On second thought... You know what? Fuck it. Fuck both of the goddamn trips. I'm not going to get to go. There's no way I'll get the money. I'm too fucking lazy. And even if I did, I'd just be miserable. You'd all just ignore me. I know you won't give a rat's ass either way, so ... No. The same misery, with less effort. Sounds like a bargain, neh?

Sun, 03 Dec 2006 04:42:13 GMT

I shouldn’t need this to be happy. Especially since it doesn’t work anyways.

Fri, 01 Dec 2006 00:07:25 GMT

I'm afraid that I'm digging myself deeper and deeper in a hole. Sometimes it's fun, but most of the time it's kind of scary. Fetish, you're right. I should stop. But I can't. Even though....
Even though the bunch of us promised. Never again, never again.
I can't. And when I finally dig myself in too deep, and hit water, no one'll be there to help me out. And I'll be all alone in this deep wet dark hole I've dug myself. Until that is, it collapses on me, burying me in dirt.
But oh I do love to play in the mud.

Weak.

Tue, 28 Nov 2006 00:32:54 GMT

Well, that didn't go as planned. At all. Ah well. I suppose the status quo is just too appealing. I'll just have to wait till college, neh? One and a half years isn't so long, is it?

Dani

Sun, 26 Nov 2006 05:15:51 GMT

I just talked to Dani on AIM for what feels like the first time in forever. It was nice. We were goofy. *giggle*
I miss us. What we used to have, the people we used to be. Sleeping over at her house and watching TV all night, even though it was really just the same episode of the same stupid show over and over again.
I remember the first and last times I went over there.
It was the eighth grade, and we were working on a take home math test. I'm pretty sure we both failed. But whatever. I finally had a friend.
It was her birthday party. I'm still fairly certain she invited me as an afterthought. That was when the craziness reached a climax. But we won't go there. EVER.
She got me my frog, you know. And took me away with her on Fall Break after......... That doesn't really need to be brought up either.
She's also the only reason I joined marching band. All the friends I have today, all those people who I love and hate and hurt and who hurt me, and trace right back to her. Well, except for TIP. But whatever.
And now.... Now I'm not quite sure what we are. And that makes me happy and sad. Sad because I used to know, and it was good. Happy because if the truth hurts, I'd rather not know it. But you all knew that, didn't you?
Ah well. It is what it is, and that's all it really can be.

Well, what do you think?

Thu, 23 Nov 2006 06:09:07 GMT

ouchangryhurtjealousfuriousragebitchyellscreamfallapartemptyinsidevengancereactionshitfuckdamn.
I didn't want this. Or maybe I did. Or maybe I deserve it. Or maybe I'm just fuckingnuts again.

Any thoughts?

Wed, 22 Nov 2006 03:33:50 GMT

And now I've gone and brought up old ghosts of dead nothings. Sorry. It. Is. Was. Nothing. Ever. I am sorry I even mentioned it.

I think I'll just get a hole poked in me everytime I'm feeling really and truly that bad. It's an excuse to buy and wear more jewlery. And it's pain, but not seen as crazy SI-ness. And no, in case you're wondering, I've never put anything sharp and metal to my wrist.
But the point is, it made me feel a little better this time. So maybe.....

Words

Tue, 21 Nov 2006 02:50:07 GMT

Honestly, what's the fucking point?
I want to write. I want to so bad. But when I open a blank document (Oh how I miss the days of the handwritten word. Nothing is more beautiful than pen on paper...) when I open a blank document, all I can do is sit and stare, sad and regretful. I can't find the words for this. And even if I could, no one wants to hear about it. Pain. Nobody but sobby little emos care about pain. And they only care for their own.
How do I put this feeling into words anyways? This empty tired hurt sad self-loathing angry feeling.
Who wants to read a novel where the main character loses faith and kills herself right before saving the world? I know I don't. But I want to write it. Wouldn't that be beautiful? Soul-wrenching. It would be the sort of book you couldn't put down until the very end. And then- just sad. Nothing else. Well, maybe rage for the jackassbitchwhore who wrote such a piece of shit. But other than that...

Sun, 19 Nov 2006 18:44:45 GMT

Nope. Not stupid. Just pathetic, disgusting, useless, and seriously fucked up. Yay.

I wish I could really say this.

Tue, 07 Nov 2006 04:34:35 GMT

I wish I didn't hate birthdays. I wish I wasn't so bitter. I wish it didn't hurt so much. And I really wish you hadn't made it worse. Oh so much worse. Him, and her, and them, and all that shit. Honestly. Ten fucking seconds. Ten seconds out of life. Nope. Not for me. But for everyone else on the goddamn planet. It isn't her fault. But, unless I'm missing something very big and important, it isn't mine either.

Mon, 06 Nov 2006 01:19:20 GMT

I shouldn't want to not wake up in the morning. I'm not old. I'm not dying of cancer. And I'm not suicidal in any relevant sense of the word. I just hope I never wake up. Because you can't cry in your sleep. You can't scream and fight. You can't hurt people, or be hurt. And when you're asleep, you don't have to wonder why everyone notices the lines on her arms, but no one sees the crescent scabs or the angry lopsided red circles on yours. You don't have to wonder what is so fucking wrong with you, and whether it's really your fault or not. You don't have to worry about the future, because there isn't one. You don't have to be afraid of growing up into that, only worse, because no one really loves you. They don't even pretend to. So you'll be that, but alone.
I don't want any of this. But I don't really want anything else either.

Bitchbitchbitch whinewhinewhine No one cares.

Sat, 28 Oct 2006 04:43:02 GMT

Nine is basically eight, right? Psh. An hour? That's nothing. I just wish the instructors had gone home first.
Oh yeah. And I wish my shoulder didn't hurt. And that I didn't feel like curling up into a ball and crying? Dying? I hate the fact that those two words rhyme. But in all seriousness, it's not fucking fair. It just isn't. I do not deserve this. Any of it. I don't. For all the shit I've done, I still do not deserve this. So why?! Why. Whywhywhywhywhy. What did I do? What sin am I paying for? Please. I just what to know why.

Tue, 17 Oct 2006 04:55:53 GMT

Next time you say that, I might just take you seriously. You'd like that, wouldn't you? Boomcrash goes the door. Swishswish. Click. So many problems solved, huh? So many problems...

heart

Sat, 14 Oct 2006 11:00:15 GMT

Turrin- I'm sorry that every time you get on AIM all I can do is whine. I really am ok and happy and whatever. I am. It's just... things build up, and I'm not scared to talk to you about them. No one else really listens, I don't think. I'm always afraid they're just asking to be nice, and rolling their eyes when I answer.
So, just know that I am ok, and I'll try not to be such a.... wet blanket, I guess? I hate that phrase. Ah well. I'll try not to be such a wet blanket next time.

Wed, 11 Oct 2006 05:50:38 GMT

Don't worry. I won't follow.